It's Been a Summer
by vixsummer
Summary: Bella and Edward were starting a perfect life together, until Edward starts modeling and living the high life. Five years later, has he grown up enough to try again? Or has Bella grown up too much? One summer will decide it all...
1. Somewhere In Between

**CHAPTER 1: SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN**

_I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't_

_And now I can not stop pacing_

_Give me a few hours, I'll have all this sorted out_

_If my mind would just stop racing_

_Cause I cannot stand still_

_I can't be this unsturdy_

_This cannot be happening_

_This is over my head but underneath my feet_

_Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat_

_And everything will be back to the way that it was_

_I wish that it was just that easy_

_Cause I'm waiting for tonight_

_Then waiting for tomorrow_

_And I'm somewhere in between_

_What is real, and just a dream_

**Somewhere In Between – Lifehouse**

_MySpace ruined Bella Swan's life._

I sat at my desk, repeating that phrase in my head. A website full of grammatically retarded morons, glittery hearts and terrible wannabe musicians just managed to rip my entire world apart. I wonder if they'll inscribe my new mantra on my tombstone when I promptly shrivel up and die. I should be getting on that, actually…

I turned and stared at myself in the mirror. Huh. I wasn't crying. That's weird. Things like this always made me cry – and I've had a lot of experience lately. My brown eyes looked vacant and dead. They're usually wide and comically buggy when I get excited. Everyone says I look like my part-Pug dog, Jake, because of it. We've both looked scared shitless recently, waiting for the other shoe to drop, apparently.

I heard the back door open. I'd left it unlocked for him, since he was coming home from some modeling party late. Here comes my reason for being terrified. I turned around in my desk chair and stared at my closed bedroom door. My room was cheerful, covered in posters and pictures. He'd just helped me paint it yellow and blue, and now it was pissing me off. All I wanted right now was to be in a dark, dank cave, preferably one with creepy albino lizards. At least they were blind, and wouldn't have to watch what was about to happen. I don't need their reptilian sympathy. I heard footsteps coming closer and held my breath. Jake stood on my bed, his tags jingling as he wagged his tail enthusiastically. I guess we really were alike, since under normal circumstances, I'd practically be doing the same thing.

Edward opened my door and came in quietly, grinning like a madman as Jake assaulted his knees, begging to be pet. He crouched down and scratched the belly of our little, wriggling puppy. Ours. The beginning of our little family. My stomach clenched, and my eyes started to fill with tears. Ah, there those tears were, I knew they were coming. Edward looked up at me and smiled again, straightening up.

"Oh, baby, I got SO lost leaving the city, it sucked. I'm so tired, come lay," he groaned, flopping onto my bed and lazily reaching one arm towards me so I could climb in. Jake obviously leapt onto the bed and starting maniacally licking Edward's face. Yeah, Jake, I can't stop kissing him either.

"Bellllllaaaa…" he whined, reaching again. I didn't respond. I had no idea what to say. My life, my future, was disappearing like it had been drawn on a goddamned Etch-A-Sketch. Edward propped himself up on one arm. "What's wrong?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the situation to be different when I opened them… Nope, no such luck. A tear escaped, and I swiped at it angrily. A glint flashed in front of my eyes. Oh, right my ring. That makes this all so much worse. I rubbed my thumb over the band on the small ring on my left ring finger, missing it already.

"No, seriously Bella, what?" he pressed, sitting up and looking at me more closely. I couldn't get it out, so I just turned my computer screen towards him. A picture of him passionately kissing a redheaded girl with the obnoxious caption "im so luckyyyyy 3333 me n the boyf" filled the screen.

"Who's Kate, Edward?" I asked.


	2. IOU One Galaxy

**CHAPTER 2: IOU ONE GALAXY**

_Stars are out tonight_

_And you're the brightest one shining in my sky._

_It's like every wish I ever made came true._

_The day I woke up lying next to you._

_Will you be my best friend_

_If I offer you my heart?_

_'Cause it's already yours._

_We could hang out every night_

_And watch the sun go down._

_As long as we could watch it rise again._

**IOU One Galaxy – The Ataris**

Edward and I had been best friends growing up. I fell for him, literally, the moment I laid eyes on him. As I toppled over in the crowd, he ran over to me, and saved me from being trampled at my very first concert. He had that hero thing going for him, so maybe he had an unfair advantage. Either way, when I hesitantly opened my eyes and they caught with his sparkling green ones, and the arms of the most gorgeous guy I'd ever seen wrapped protectively around me, it was all over for me. I was only fourteen, gawky, with terrible bangs and glasses, and I couldn't even fathom making a move on this beautiful boy, so we became friends.

The years passed and our friendship became more like family. His home life wasn't the best, so he spent most of his time at my house. My parents, Renee and Charlie, took to him like he was one of our own, and my little brother, Phil, idolized him. Edward and I often argued over who was a bigger slut as we worked our way through our group of friends, dancing around the obvious. Edward was gorgeous to the whole world, while I was cute, and tended to grow on people like a Hello Kitty fungus. I had my share of hookups and relationships, but nothing that compared to my easy relationship with Edward. Eventually, Edward and I were both single at the same time – so why not become friends with benefits? Because then all those messy, mushy feelings I'd been pushing aside all these years would come rushing back in a tidal wave, just like they did. He took me to my prom – because what good is a male best friend if they don't put on a tux and escort you to some stupid dance every once in a while? It was on that sticky June night, brave off of Malibu rum, the twinkling lights and the happy laughter of my friends, that I told Edward that I was in love with him, while standing under a streetlight.

He didn't feel the same way. I didn't get kissed on my prom night; I got driven home awkwardly at five in the morning. Somehow, I shrugged it off. I knew we'd be together eventually; I wasn't in a rush to start forever at that point. I was only seventeen. I didn't want a boyfriend in college, anyway. I kept on having the best summer of my life, constantly with my friends, between the beach, parties, bonfires and barbeques. After I drunkenly kissed Mike, and then Tyler the following week, I guess something snapped for Edward.

I was home, sick and miserable. Edward brought my cold remedy – Coke Slurpee and Capri Suns – and some chick flick DVD that he knew my mom wanted to see. I never let things get weird between us after prom, so this wasn't strange. We lay together on the couch while my mom rambled on about the movie. I had my head in his lap and he was giving me pleasure like I couldn't imagine – the arm thing, as I call it. I'm a total sucker for being pet, again, much like Jake (who wasn't even a little puppy zygote at this point). So he lay there with me, tickling my arm as we watched the atrocious movie and I very gracefully hacked my lungs out.

I was heavily medicated, and had fallen asleep. When the movie ended, Edward tugged me up off the couch and helped me up to my room. I sighed and fell into my cool bed, never even turning off the lights. Edward sat slowly next to me and rubbed my back.

"Bella?" he finally whispered.

"Mmm…" I mumbled, half asleep.

"I love you."

"I love you, too." I sighed. We always said the 'L' word to one another, so when I'd confessed my feelings for him, I'd had to be excruciatingly specific.

"No… I _love you_, love you."

"What?" Okay, I was awake then. I sat straight up and stared at him. "Stop fucking with me, Edward, I don't feel well and that's not funny."

"I'm not. I'm being serious, Bella. I love you. I'm _in_ love with you." He rubbed my bare shoulder and grinned crookedly.

I gaped at him, opening and closing my mouth wordlessly, probably looking like a fish. A sweaty, greasy, snotty fish – this is when he loves me? Not when I was decked out in my Sunday best at the prom, under a glowing streetlight, like something out of a John Hughes movie. He tells me he loves me in my sickbed, while I'm delirious on Tylenol PM and wearing sweatpants I've had on for three days.

"You're an ass." I finally declared. He just smiled wider and scooted closer.

"Yes, but you love me anyway," he smirked, leaning forward to kiss me.

"I'm sick!" I shrieked, jumping back and covering my mouth. I wasn't concerned with getting him sick, I just knew I probably tasted like Chloroseptic and smelled like Vicks.

He rolled his eyes at me. "I. Don't. Care," he said, pulling me closer with each word. He kissed me, and it was like the universe clicked into place. Nothing else mattered anymore. It didn't matter that he'd dated my friend Lauren and she'd probably never speak to me again. It didn't matter that I wanted to go away to school unattached. I didn't matter that Tyler was calling me constantly and was actually someone I could date. Everything else fell away, and it was just this – him and me. We'd been put on this planet for one another.

When I was nineteen, he put a ring on my finger. It wasn't exactly an engagement ring. We called it a placeholder. It was silver, and the diamond was barely more than a speck. I didn't care, I was ecstatic. We talked about baby names – Angela Roselyn for a girl, Christopher James for a boy. We knew we weren't ready, so instead we got Jake. His goofy Pug face and his floppy Beagle ears won us over immediately. We were thrilled to be starting our family. Jake would probably wear a puppy tuxedo at our wedding and little Gelly and CJ would play with him in our yard. Edward wanted to be a doctor, and I was going to be a teacher. Things were perfect.

Edward was classically beautiful. Everyone knew it, even him. He could be cocky, but I knew it was only because of his transformation. When he was a kid, he'd been nerdy and chubby. He got teased and never really felt like he belonged. When he got a part time job at a gym in our town, he started spending all of his time there, changing his teddy bear body into an absurdly ripped and toned specimen of male perfection. He'd always had girls chasing him, but once he started changing physically, it became ridiculous. He started to become addicted to the attention. Every time he stepped out of the house, he looked impeccable. I never tried that hard. I wore sweatpants to class, had glasses and tended to pull my hair into an impossible poof on top of my head that made me look like a Fraggle. Waitresses would hit on him in front of me, and ask if I were his sister or cousin. I guess he realized that he could have pretty much anyone he wanted at this point, because that's when he stopped keeping 'little Edward' in check. It didn't matter who the girl was, how old she was, what she looked like – he would encourage their flirting. He was a spectacular liar – except to me. I was his best friend for too long, the one he'd go to with the truth, and I'd watch him lie to everyone else. I wasn't stupid; I knew something was different. I was however, a complete fucking moron, because when he swore he'd be true to me, I believed him. Things had gotten better – until now.

Edward stared at the picture, clenching his jaw.

"You're mad at her for putting the picture up, aren't you?" I asked, feeling nauseous. He didn't answer me, so I snorted. Finally, he looked back at me with the most awful, pained expression I've ever seen. He reached up to my cheek, and brushed some of the moisture away. I didn't even realize I was still crying; the tears were flowing so quickly and easily. I bit my lip and waited.

"Bella, I…" he trailed off. Suddenly, he stood up brusquely, jamming both his hands into his beautiful hair. I love that hair, running fingers up and down the back of his neck while he drives, pulling on it while he goes down on me in bed… no, I can't let my thoughts go there, or I'll never do this. I open my mouth to speak, but Edward interrupts me. "I met her at a photo shoot, she was another model. She lives in the city, but she was going back home in a couple of weeks, and I was going to break it off then, I swear. I - I don't know why. I don't know. I have no good reason for why I'm doing this, why I'm sabotaging our relationship. All I do know is that I love you more than anything in this world. You're my one, you're my only –"

I cut him off before he could finish the cutesy vow we made up to say to one another when we were apart. "I'm very clearly not your one or only anything, Edward. You can't finish our pact and say that I'm your everything or your always either."

"You're done," It wasn't a question. He almost spat it at me, like _I_ was giving up on _him_. I stared at him, numbly. "Fine. I'll go," he continued to snap. "Come on, Jake." He patted his leg for Jake to follow him. That snapped me out of it.

"OH, HELL NO!" I screamed. I grabbed Jake and put him in his crate, standing in front of it protectively. "YOU do not get to have him, Edward! YOU don't get to leave me all alone! YOU left us! YOU ruined this family! Not me, not Kate," I choked on her name, "not any of these other girls. You flirted, and I understood. Or maybe I was pathetic. Whatever. But you've had another _girlfriend_ for God knows how long, and that is where I get off this train wreck." I started twisting my ring, trying to take it off. Edward was breathing heavily, staring at the floor. He looked up at me, and saw what I was trying to do, and then next thing I knew, he was on his knees, clutching my legs, sobbing.

"Bella, Bella, no, no, please don't! Please, I can't live without you. You're my life, I love you so much, please Bella, please!" he begged. I just stood very still. My heart was already broken, but this was like someone took a hammer to the shards, and then once it was totally pulverized, they set the pieces on fire. I was shaking, or maybe he was shaking, I didn't know anymore. I clutched at his hair, and he pressed his face into my stomach. I felt his breath on my skin, and then he was kissing the patch of skin between my shirt and my pants. I didn't stop him; I was trying to memorize how his lips felt pressing to my body. He took that as a good sign, and started pulling at the drawstring on my pajama pants. I heard Jake whine behind me and I woke up. I took a step back.

"No," I whispered. "Goodbye, Edward."

It was exactly one week until my twentieth birthday, and my life was over.


	3. Vegas

**CHAPTER 3: VEGAS**

_We can't hide, we let go_

_We've got more than we know_

_My friends are a different breed_

_My friends are everything_

_Make this last, take it slow_

_We've got it all figured out for now_

_So let us live our lives without a doubt_

**Vegas – All Time Low**

FIVE YEARS LATER…

Okay, maybe I'm a little melodramatic. Obviously my physical life didn't end in that moment, though it sure felt like it did. I was a mess for a good two years, completely lost and devoid of purpose. I hated him for taking it away from me, and I hated myself for being the kind of girl who based her whole life around a guy. Edward was unable to be alone, and he continued to date Kate after we broke up. Since then, it's been a constant stream of women for the past five years. Now, he's living with a girl named Tanya who manages the local tanning salon. I hated that I knew this, hated that I cared. Our town was too small to escape the news of its favorite local celebrity, so I was kept up-to-date on whom Edward Cullen was bedding at any given time. It kept me tied to him – when I'd date a guy, eventually it came out that Edward was my ex. It either made my date uncomfortable or convinced I was easy. Whichever way it went, I lost. Edward Cullen had successfully branded me as his, and continued to destroy my life, even when he was barely in it. I needed to get out.

My two best friends, Alice and Jasper, moved to the city with me shortly after my breakup with Edward, when I got a job teaching at what I thought would be a perfect school for me. Alice and Jasper would often go to bed, and I'd be up for hours writing lesson plans while the Tivo played episodes of Jeopardy until three in the morning. After busting my ass for years at the school, I thought I'd secured my place. Until I was informed that I wouldn't have a job after June. I was told this on June 15th.

"Alice, I don't know what to do." I whined as we ate dinner that night. Jake was sitting under my feet, looking up at me pitifully. "Jake, I already fed you, shoo. Stop begging."

Alice sighed. "I know, this is a tough call. What options have you come up with?"

I started rattling off all the ideas that I'd been working on. "Dog walking. Selling my body to science. Dealing drugs – what, Weeds doesn't make it look so bad! And then there's the unfortunate best plan I've come up with so far."

"Which is?"

"Move back home and work at camp."

"Bella…" Jasper warned.

"I know, Jasper, I really don't want to, but I can't afford to pay for the apartment without an income, and camp is the best money I'm going to find in a summer job."

"Bella, I don't like this at all. You just got away from him; you're doing so much better. Don't go back there." Alice said, sternly.

"This has nothing to do with _him_. If I go back, it'll just be to work. I'll be back in September, I swear."

"I still don't like it."

"Me, either," Jasper chimed in.

"Neither do I, guys, trust me," I sighed. I was terrified of being back in our small town, and being constantly reminded of _him_. "Phil will be home from school though, and I miss him. I think this is what I have to do right now. Any other job would be pointless on my resume."

Alice nodded while she chewed thoughtfully and Jasper smoothed out the newspaper. It looks like I won this battle. I smiled to myself as I cleared dishes.

I am aware of how sick it is that I have to try and battle my best friends to make decisions about my life, but I wouldn't change our relationship for anything. For some reason, people in my life feel the need to protect me, usually from myself. While I am extremely stubborn, I also appreciate that they care at all. I knew too many people in my life that couldn't care less. That wasn't Alice or Jasper, or even Phil. They were fiercely loyal, and I loved that about them so much. Yes, almost every guy I've dated in the past 5 years that made it through the "Edward Cullen test" proved to be scared away by my friends and brother, but I usually didn't mind. When I thought about the fact that I might actually never have sex again if they had their way, that's when I started to get angry. Stupid, meddling little cockblockers. Anyway, the point is, they're usually right. Since Edward, I'd been settling for less-than-spectacular guys. Okay, who am I kidding? They were all a bunch of tools. From the gun-toting Republican who didn't wear a jacket in November, to the jerk who stood me up and then wanted to fight Jasper when he called him out on it, to the video-game obsessed porn freak who thought Phil was his new best friend – none of these guys really did it for me anyway. Sometimes that made me sad, but really, I had the most amazing family and friends anyone could ask for – maybe you don't get to have it all. I was certain that I would be happy with or without a man in my life. I'd stopped depending on a guy to define my life once Edward shattered it. I couldn't count on most people, but I could count on at least three.

Jasper was pretty quiet about things. He'd always contemplate my situations for weeks, and then offer some concise sage advice, a la Silent Bob. He and I would talk for hours about people and their strange interactions and thought processes. Alice, on the other hand, was like a tightly wound spring. She'd actually hauled off and punched the porn freak in the face the day she met him. When I asked her why, she started to cry and told me that she couldn't stand how he made me look at myself, and that I was the best person she knew, and should think nothing less. How could I argue with that? Then there was Phil – the only person hurt almost as badly by what Edward had done. Phil loved him so fiercely. Edward was everything Phil thought a guy should be – charismatic, good with girls, funny, into sports and video games. Phil would completely ignore me and chatter incessantly to Edward about Star Wars and Jessica Alba and Dungeons and Dragons. Edward loved him too, and wouldn't just patronize him with conversation. Many times, I'd hear the door open downstairs and wait for Edward in my room, only to emerge, aggravated, 20 minutes later and find Edward in my kitchen, surrounded by enamored 12 year old boys playing Risk. When Edward left me that awful, fateful night, I'd returned to my room to find a tear-streaked Phil holding Jake in my bed. We curled up together and tried to comfort one another, while Jake frantically licked our tears. Now that Phil is 21, I find him to be almost absurdly overprotective – I'm older than he is, damn it! To say that Phil and Alice despise Edward could be the understatement of the century.

I finished washing the dishes, just as Alice walked into our tiny kitchen with Jake on her heels. She lifted his leash off the hook it dangled from and he went nuts.

"Want to go get ice cream?" Alice asked, clipping Jake's leash on him. I knew this was a peace offering. I smiled, and grabbed a hooded college sweatshirt, noticing that the sweatshirt Alice was wearing was also mine. Thief. We headed out into the brisk evening, Jake straining at his leash and making noises that sounded like he was rabid. We walked in companionable silence for a while, listening to the noises of the city coupled with the slapping of our flip flops on the sidewalk. My brain spun as I watched the neon lights reflecting off the wet pavement. Our hometown was like quicksand, and I was petrified of getting sucked back in. I liked the life we had here. Alice and Jasper were so comfortable in their romantic relationship that I never felt like a third wheel. Alice was teaching me to cook, and I was teaching her how to program the Tivo. Jasper was continually reading us interesting articles out of the newspaper, and we had a vicious March Madness rivalry going.

"I think…" Alice began. I looked at her. She was choosing her words, I could tell. Jake pulled at her arm desperately, and began sniffing a garbage can. We paused to let him sniffle himself crazy. "Camp will be good for you. How many years have you been working there?"

"This will be my tenth summer," I said, cheerfully. Everything was a mess, but the one thing I knew and loved was camp, and everyone knew that about me. Shorts and sneakers, making up silly songs, dancing on rainy days, being there when a kid learns how to dive or ride a bike or hits a home run for the first time… It's a magical place, and I really was starting to get excited about going back. Alice smiled at me, and adjusted her perfectly-messy short pigtails. We kept walking.

"Right. There are a lot of teaching connections for you, and you'll get to see all your camp friends. I'm just worried that you're going back for him."

"Alice, NO. I know that I still have residual feelings for him and about him, but I am honestly over our relationship. Really and truly. It doesn't gnaw at me all day like it used to. It would probably be easier if I ever met someone that didn't totally appall me and all my friends, but it'll be fine." I wasn't sure if I was trying to convince Alice or myself, but I'd done an okay job either way. We both seemed satisfied with my answer. Alice handed me Jake's leash as we arrived at the ice cream shop and she went in to buy us our cones. Jake couldn't sit still, and wandered at my feet, whining at me. I looked down at him, smiling at his goofy panting face.

"Ready, Jake? Looks like we're going home."


	4. Eyesore

**CHAPTER 4: EYESORE**

_Forget me not_

_Those weren't your words_

_I'm home haven't you heard the ring?_

_The sound of my voice_

_I know it isn't much_

_That's why I say your name_

_When I fall, when I hit the bottom_

_Girl, play on_

_The boys will stay even if you're gone_

**Eyesore – New Found Glory**

I groaned as I collapsed onto my old bed. My room looked exactly the same as I left it – yellow, cheery, and mocking. There were faded squares on the walls that used to hold pictures of Edward and I. I don't know who took them down or where they went, but in that moment, waves of love for my whole family washed over me. I squeezed my eyes shut, refusing to cry. Enough tears had been spilled in this room. I had so many people behind me, supporting me – I wasn't about to fall into bad habits after all this time.

"Okay, that's the last of it," Alice sang. She flitted into the room, gingerly holding a small stack of books. Jasper and Charlie followed, grunting, laden down with boxes.

"You're so buff, Alice." I commented as I grabbed a box off of Charlie's stack.

"Thanks, Bella," Charlie said. "And thanks, Jasper. God knows Phil couldn't be bothered to do any heavy lifting for his own sister."

"Don't worry about it, Charlie. Now Bella owes us, and she'll have to come back to the city like she promised." Alice was cheerful when she said it, but I could sense a twinge of something else behind her bouncy words. Charlie nodded and headed downstairs. Jasper stretched his arms while Alice surveyed the mess in my old room.

"You okay?" I asked, feeling a pang of guilt. Was I making the right choice?

"Yeah!" Alice answered with fake enthusiasm. Jasper shook his head.

"Listen, Bella, we know you've been doing this every summer for forever, but –" Jasper began until Alice clamped her tiny hand over his mouth, shooting daggers at him. He gently removed it, kissing her palm. "Alice thinks if I tell you, it'll make her gut feeling automatically correct." She smacked him on the arm.

"That didn't help either, Jasper!" she cried.

"Um, hello, welcome to my bedroom. What the hell are we talking about?" I asked, waving my hands to remind them that I existed.

Alice sighed dramatically. "Okay, I know I say this every year, but this year I really mean it." I started smirking, knowing what was coming. "Bella, if Edward is around, you need to stay away from him." I bit my cheeks to keep from laughing and flashed her a thumbs up. She glared at me, and then at Jasper when he made a muffled snort noise into the crook of his elbow.

"Sorry, dusty box," he apologized, an obvious glint in his eye.

"Alice, light of my life, best friend of my loins," I began, patting the seat next to me.

"Ew, I don't want to be best friends with your loins, Bella. Gross," she replied snottily as she sat down.

"Too late, they love you, those loins. Anyway – yes, you say this every year, and every year, he never comes home. You think he really wants to spend his summers in this Podunk town? He's probably in the south of France or Brazil or a crack den for all I know, but either way, he's never HERE. You have nothing to worry about." I reassured her.

"Okay, but what if this is the year? What do you do then?" she pressed. I rolled my eyes.

"I don't know, Alice, witness protection, get my house blessed by a priest? I'll probably just sic you and Phil on him, honestly. Rabid beasts, both of you."

"I know you, you're too forgiving. You can't just be friends with him, Bella!" her voice began to rise, and her eyes got all wide.

"Al, remember we're talking hypothetically, relax. I don't know what I would do if I saw him, but either way, I'm here to be with my family and make some money so I can get back to life as we all know and love it. In the meantime, enjoy that you don't have to deal with any more of my dates coming through the apartment and walking in on you and Jasper and your Alaskan Fire Dragon action." Jasper groaned and clapped his hand to his forehead, remembering the awkwardness. Alice began to giggle, then made her gaze as hard as she could and fake-glared at me. I just smiled as sweetly as I could back at her.

"Okay, fine. You're off the hook for now. But I'll be watching."

"That's because you're a fucking creeper," I answered cheerfully.

"Very true, and right now, I'm a smelly creeper. Let's go back to my dad's place and relax, Jasper." Alice blew me a kiss from across the room. "We'll see you later tonight."

"Sounds good," I said. "Oh, before I forget, I spoke to James today. He's coming home as well, he'll be here in a few days."

"Yeah, I spoke to him too," Jasper replied, a grin spreading lazily across his dirt-streaked face. "We'll see you later, Bella." I waved, and closed the door behind them. I suddenly felt drained. I flopped back down on my bed, closing my eyes for a moment.

"BELLA SWAAAAAAAAN!" a loud voice bellowed about fifteen minutes later, throwing my door open so hard it banged into the wall behind it, and knocked an old picture of Rosalie and I to the floor. "Ooops." I lifted my head and grinned as my brother flew into my room in his typical cocky fashion. Jake was on his heels, ecstatic, and literally bouncing off the furniture.

"I love how you use my full name, as if your name isn't Swan too, Philbert."

"Oh, I know I'm a Swan, lest you forget." He rolled up the sleeve of his shirt and flexed his bicep at me, wiggling the tattoo of a swan that adorned his arm. I smiled and waved my ankle with a smaller version on it. It was my 18th birthday present to him. We were extremely close, and some people found us weird, but he was the one person who knew exactly where I came from. We often had conversations without speaking when we were at the dinner table, which drove Renee crazy. He had a habit of coming into my room when he'd get home at night, regardless of time or how drunk he was. I can't tell you the number of nights I woke up at 3 a.m. to his lunatic drunken ramblings, recalling poker hands in excruciating detail, or begging me for a condom, since "bitches love Phil".

"Thanks for helping me move, by the way." I grumbled sarcastically, while he plopped on my already crowded bed. "Poor Alice and Jasper are practically unconscious at Alice's dad's house. And I think Charlie gave himself a hernia."

"Hey, you know I don't like to get my hands dirty," he laughed, nudging me as Jake nuzzled between us. "So, camp, huh?"

"Camp," I acknowledged.

"It won't be weird, surrounded by all those memories?" I knew he meant memories of Edward. The summers we spent together wouldn't be lost on me, but I bristled anyway. I'd already had one Edward conversation with Alice and Jasper; I'd made up my mind and was already back, for fuck's sake.

"No weirder than being in this room, Phil. I'm seriously okay." He didn't say anything and I smiled, appreciating that he was done pushing me, for now anyway. We lay in silence, watching the dust mites twinkle in the sunlight that was streaming through the window. Jake snorted and started digging maniacally into the mattress. I giggled while Phil poked him and encouraged him to keep looking for whatever he thought was buried in there. We were shocked from our happy family moment from an inhuman screech from downstairs.

"OH EM GEEEEEEE!"

"Good Christ," Phil groaned. He sat up, looking to make a break for it. He wasn't fast enough, and Rosalie's grinning face appeared in my doorway, flanked by Emmett.

"Bella, you cunt, I can't believe you're home and didn't call me!" Rosalie screamed as she leapt on top of me, adding to the growing pile of people on my bed. Jake barked and spun around. "Shut the fuck up, Jake!" she cried as she hugged me.

"Rose, I JUST got home, are you actually stalking me?" I asked, laughing.

"Bells, you have no idea," Emmett said. He smiled at me sincerely. I smiled back. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed them. The apartment in the city was only about an hour away, but it wasn't the same. We saw each other most weekends, but there was always that pressure of making it worth the trip, so we had to go out and be crazy, when we usually had the most fun just hanging in, watching a movie and drinking beers.

"I'm really glad you guys are here," I said, settling back against my pillows.

"So Bells, did you know that James is moving back home too? Did you guys plan this?" Emmett asked. I laughed.

"Yes, of course we did. We got a two-for-one deal on U-Haul. Idiot." I retorted. "He said he'd be home in a couple of days, right?"

Emmett nodded. "It's going to be sick to have everyone together again! I mean, you, James and Edward, all moving back at the same time, it's crazy! I'm sure Alice and Jasper will want to hang out here more, it's too hot in the city…" he trailed off. "What?" he asked, shifting uncomfortably under everyone's shocked stares. Even Rosalie looked floored.

"Dude, Edward is back?" Phil asked, finally. I couldn't read his expression, so I switched my gaze back to Emmett.

"I thought you guys knew…" Emmett muttered. Somehow, I was not surprised by this revelation. Of course I wouldn't have an Edward-free summer, why would I have ever thought that was possible?

The past four years, whenever I was home, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I sounded convincing to Alice, but my stomach still twisted at the confirmation that he was home. The last time I'd spoken to him was the night we broke up, but I'd seen him once since then. It was the day I'd moved to the city. I had just finished packing up the car. I'd loaded Jake into the backseat, and he immediately jumped up against the back windshield, barking like mad. I was confused; Jake loved riding in the car. I looked in the direction he was barking, across the street, and there was Edward. He'd just gotten out of his silver Volvo and was standing there, staring at me, his keys dangling from his finger. I froze. He slowly removed his sunglasses, and I bit my lip, willing myself to breathe. The next thing I knew, he got back into his car and sped away. I was glued to my driveway, reeling. Slowly, I got into the drivers seat and just sat there, wondering what had just occurred. At some point, Alice called me to tell me that she was about to head to the apartment, and she wanted to know where I was. I told her I was on my way, turned the key in the ignition, slowly backed out of my driveway, and drove away from everything.

The fates really wanted me to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I knew Emmett hated confrontation, and Phil was cracking his knuckles angrily, making the tension in the room palpable. I quickly switched gears.

"So what do you guys want to do tonight?" I asked. Rosalie needed no further encouragement, and whipped out her cell phone to start making plans. Emmett smiled at me apologetically, and I shook my head to let him know I was fine. I busied myself unpacking some bags while everyone else chatted.

Alice, Jasper, Emmett, James and I all went to high school together. As much as Alice was my sister, the boys were like brothers. We were each other's families. I'd introduced Edward to them, and things just clicked. When college came, we were all scattered around the country, but the vacations, especially summers, were when we all really got to be ourselves again.

I'd met Rosalie at camp, and she quickly became another fixture in our little group. Emmett was immediately smitten, and they'd been together ever since. We'd been nauseating when Edward was still in the picture, three couples of best friends, and James keeping it real by himself. He never cared; he was the happiest guy I'd ever met. When Edward left, James became my singleton buddy. When everyone else would be canoodling during a horror movie, he and I would concoct pranks to scare everyone else. James and I would make up drinking competitions, record Emmett singing karaoke to post on YouTube, steal glasses from bars… Wow, I missed him. He'd stayed at school to finish a tutoring program for underprivileged kids. He didn't want to leave them in the middle of the year. That was just the kind of guy he was.

"Bella," Rosalie interrupted my thoughts. I stuck my head out of my closet, where clothes were currently burying me. "Alice said we HAD to go to Club P tonight. Should I know what that is?"

I laughed. Club P. It was good to be home.


	5. When They Day Met The Night

**CHAPTER 5: WHEN THE DAY MET THE NIGHT**

_When the sun found the moon_

_She was drinking tea in a garden_

_Under the green umbrella trees_

_In the middle of summer_

_When the moon found the sun_

_He looked like he was barely hanging on_

_But her eyes saved his life_

_In the middle of summer_

**When The Day Met The Night – Panic At the Disco**

One of the many reasons I loved Alice was that everything was beautiful to her. Little tiny things, she saw a totally different way than anyone else. Vines growing out of a sewer grate, an oil stain on the street in the shape of a heart…a decrepit bar called Partners was no different. To the rest of us, it was a disgusting townie bar that we avoided at all costs. It was constantly full of alumni from our high school from the past 50 years – people we didn't really want to see, to put it mildly. The only beer they had on tap was Budweiser, and that didn't fly with our group's somewhat snobby beer tastes. (I'm sorry, but a good Belgian beer would win over a domestic, any day.) But Alice dubbed Partners "Club P" and would desperately try to convince us that we wouldn't get hepatitis just by walking through the door. I've got to admit, whenever I go there with her, I have a great time, and it was exactly what I was in the mood for tonight. I didn't need to get dressed up or spend much money there. Phil loved Club P, partially because he was a little in love with Alice, and partially because he's a little bit of a townie dirtbag. Rosalie wasn't from our town, so she didn't have the same aversion to the clientele the rest of us, and Emmett went wherever Rose did. Jasper, for once, was the crimp in Alice's plan – he abhorred Club P to a bizarre degree.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and a grey V-neck shirt, and threw on my comfy-as-hell flip-flops. I wrestled my long hair into a slightly more controlled messy bun than usual. There. Club P appropriate

"I'm ready!" I sang, slipping some cash into my pocket. No one answered. I turned around. Emmett was sitting at my computer, checking sports scores. Phil was gone – I could hear him banging around in his own room. Rosalie was coming back in from the bathroom, rubbing her temple.

"I swear, Alice called me just to give me a migraine. She just made me sit there and listen to her and Jasper argue over what we were doing tonight for twenty minutes. I peed, and they didn't even notice! Assholes," she complained.

"What was decided?" I asked, praying I wouldn't have to change. Rosalie rolled her eyes at me.

"Really, you think Jasper had a chance in this?" I laughed.

"BELLA!" Phil bellowed through the wall. Groaning, I punched the wall to let him know that I didn't appreciate his screaming, and went to his room. I stood in the doorway, looking at him expectantly.

"Does this look okay?" He asked, rather sheepishly. I smirked. My brother thought he was God's gift to planet Earth, but he still had his insecurities, and apparently putting together an outfit was one of them.

"You look great. Hot date?"

"I'm going with you guys to Partners."

"So why does your outfit matter? There's a layer of dust seventeen inches thick in that shit hole. You could wear your Harry Pot-head T-shirt and no one would even notice."

"I just wanted to make sure I didn't look like an ass, shut up," he snapped. I could see him blushing as he turned away. The Swan blush was apparently a genetic thing, though Charlie didn't seem to ever get embarrassed.

"Okay, whatever. Let's go, already. You're worse than a girl with your primping."

Ten minutes later, we were squished into Emmett's car, completely massacring Toto's "Africa" as we all belted out the lyrics and Rose giggled and took a video on her cell phone. Emmett parked right in front, and we saw Alice and Jasper waiting for us outside. Alice was bouncing up and down in excitement, waving, while Jasper leaned against a wall scowling.

"Quick," I cried. Everyone paused their unbuckling and looked at me. "I say Jasper's pissy mood only lasts fifteen minutes after we get a booth. Losers buy the winner their own pitcher of Club P's finest Bud."

"Jasper seems really mad this time, I say an hour," Rose mused.

"Thirty-seven minutes exactly," said Phil.

"Half an hour, he'll need to get situated before he relaxes," Emmett declared.

"And, break!" I yelled, wrenching open my door and jumping out.

"Hi guys!" Alice cried, hugging Rose and Emmett. "Phil! You're even taller than the last time I saw you!" She gave him a hug as well, and I could see that quick blush flash across his face even in the settling dusk.

"Yeah, well, college…" he stammered. Alice laughed.

"Exactly, all that beer, its like fertilizer for guys, isn't it?" She smiled at him, then linked her arm through mine and began dragging me towards the door. "What am I working with, Bells?" she whispered to me.

"I said fifteen minutes," I hissed back. She pinched me angrily.

"Fifteen? He's barely spoken to me all night. Damn it, Bella, you have too much faith in me."

"Come on, Alice, I think you're forgetting about Club P's fantastic jukebox. You got this one in the bag." Sighing dramatically, Alice began fishing for singles in her pocket, and I could see her creating a play list in her head.

We walked into the dingy bar. Multicolored Christmas lights were strung haphazardly along the back wall. Tons of eclectic old signs littered the walls, many of them with a nautical or beer theme. A creepy mannequin was dressed in a feather boa and sombrero and was propped up on an old barrel by the dartboard.

Scanning the room, I saw an empty booth and scurried over to it. It was much safer to be in a booth than standing out in the middle of the floor, and no one sat at the bar besides the elderly die-hards. I had already spotted Lauren Mallory back by the pool table, since her white-blond hair and too-angular features were hard to miss. Avoidance was easier with some walls around you. Emmett and Rose went to get a pitcher and some mugs, while Alice pranced over to the jukebox to begin battle. Phil and Jasper slid onto the benches, and I sat next to Phil. Alice came back and snuggled in next to Jasper, just as Emmett and Rose returned with our drinks. I tapped my watch as subtly as I could, reminding everyone to watch the time and Jasper's mood.

"To Bellsie's homecoming," Phil said, once we'd all poured. I smiled as my brother and best friends raised frosty glasses in my honor. We clinked and drank, laughing and talking. Suddenly, the opening notes of a familiar song began to play. Oh, Alice was good…

_Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date?_

_But a year to make love she wanted you to wait_

_Let me tell ya a story of my situation_

_I was talkin' to this girl from the U.S. nation_

_The way that I met her was on tour at a concert_

_She had long hair and a short miniskirt…_

Jasper loved this song. He almost always requested it during karaoke. I realized that we were all painfully obvious, because all conversation had halted and we were just staring at Jasper to see his reaction. Then the chorus hit:

_You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend_

_And you say he's just a friend, oh baby_

_You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend_

_But you say he's just a friend, oh baby_

_You, you got what I need but you say he's just a friend_

_But you say he's just a friend_

That was all it took. We were all ignoring Jasper and singing along atrociously. I was so into it, I'd closed my eyes. I opened them tentatively, and Jasper's face hadn't changed. I nudged Rose, who smirked at me. I knew she was proud of herself for being right, ultimately forgetting that meant that Jasper was extremely angry. Phil and Emmett were rapping back and forth at this point, trying to remember the more obscure lyrics. Alice was laughing, seemingly carefree, but I could see her glancing at her solemn boyfriend.

"Okay, I give up, that Biz Markie is quite the wordsmith," Phil said eventually. Emmett whooped and pumped his fist, having won their rap battle. Rose kissed him on the lips proudly.

"Casper, don't you know like, every word to that song?" I asked, using the nickname I knew he hated. I was desperate for a reaction at this point. That Biz Markie song is long as hell, and my fifteen minutes were almost up. Jasper just glared at me. I started assembling Casper the Friendly Ghost jokes to slip into everything I said as the next song started.

Too perfect. All my Friendly Ghost jokes flew out the window with that first guitar strum.

_Hold on little girl_

_Show me what he's done to you_

I stood up, chugged the rest of my beer and slammed the empty glass to the table.

_Stand up little girl_

_A broken heart can't be that bad_

I waggled my finger at everyone at the table to join me as I sang loudly, backing out of the booth towards the center of the bar.

_When it's through, it's through_

_Fate will twist the both of you_

Emmett was the first to join in, singing along and grabbing my hand to twirl and dip me.

_So come on baby come on over_

_Let me be the one to show you_

Phil slid out of the booth next, pulling Alice and Rose with him.

_I'm the one who wants to be with you_

_Deep inside I hope you feel it too_

_Waited on a line of greens and blues_

_Just to be the next to be with you_

I checked my watch. It had been thirteen minutes. I had to step up my game.

_Build up your confidence_

_So you can be on top for once_

I grabbed Alice and Rose's hands and pulled them to me. I knew I was a horrendous dancer, and Alice straight refused to move her tiny body in front of people, but Rose was fantastic

_Wake up who cares about_

_Little boys that talk too much_

I initiated some awkward shimmy move in hopes that Rose would salvage it, which she did. Phil groaned and clapped a hand over his eyes, while Emmett catcalled.

_I've seen it all go down_

_Your game of love was all rained out_

At this point, I was becoming aware of the other bar patrons noticing us. Lauren Mallory was snickering to some other vapid girl I graduated with. However, the song was coming to a close and I had a free pitcher of beer with my name on it.

_So come on baby, come on over_

_Let me be the one to hold you_

I clumsily pirouetted in circles, before dropping to one knee and patting the other for Alice to perch on.

_I'm the one who wants to be with you_

_Deep inside I hope you feel it too_

"FEEL IT TOO!" Jasper cried, finally unable to resist the call of Mr. Big. He flew out of the booth, and in one motion grabbed Alice around the waist and sat both of them on top of my bent knee. The weight and flurry of motion was unexpected, and the three of us went down onto the disgusting linoleum floor in a heap.

_Waited on a line of greens and blues_

_Just to be the next to be with you… ooooooooooooooh_

We drew out the last note for as long as we could, our voices cracking, and then dissolving into hysterical laughter. A loud burst of applause rang out across the room as Phil came over to us and gingerly plucked Alice and I off the nasty floor. He pulled Jasper up and clapped him on his back.

"Jasper, man, I thought you were better than that."

"Who won?" Jasper asked, finally smiling. Phil glared in my direction as I was brushing off my jeans.

"What?" I asked as innocently as possible.

"What did she win?" Jasper asked. My face lit up and I ran to the bar. I squeezed in between Eric Yorkie's grandfather and some big guy in a black hooded sweatshirt.

"Barkeep!" I called. The weathered, middle-aged woman with the over-dyed feathered hair looked over at me. "A pitcher of your finest Budweiser. And three straws!" I peeked over my right shoulder and flashed thumbs up to Alice and Jasper, letting them know that I planned to share my winnings. I looked over my left to see Rose and Emmett pulling out money for my pitcher, and just beyond them, Lauren Mallory hitting on my brother. Vomit. I stalked over to Rose.

"Rose, please work some magic and get my brother out of the death grip of herpes, personified." I begged. She immediately shoved her share of the money into Emmett's hand, pulled down the hem of her shirt and sauntered over to Phil and Lauren. Emmett grinned and went to pay for the beer.

I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I saw Phil's eyes get very large, and Lauren's jaw drop open as Rose dragged Phil away. They arrived back at our table just as Emmett did with the pitcher, still holding the wad of cash.

"Hey, Bella, they said it was already paid for," Emmett said, confused, as he plunked the slippery pitcher on the table.

"Huh? Who paid for it?" I asked.

"That guy." He pointed at the big guy in the black sweatshirt I'd been standing next to at the bar, who was heading towards the door. Maybe he liked our performance earlier. I jumped up to say thank you, but he was moving very quickly. Just as he got to the door, Lauren jumped out of seemingly nowhere and started squealing. I put my hand out to touch his shoulder.

"Oh my God, you have to take a picture with me!" She pulled the man's hood down, and a shock of bronze hair I would have recognized anywhere was revealed.

I froze. All the Christmas lights were blurring together, accented by a couple of bright pops of light. I felt like I was underwater. I heard some muffled noises, people yelling. His bright green eyes connected with mine. I felt like a cassette tape being eaten by a VCR – everything slowed comically, and then shot into fast forward. I heard Phil's voice and felt Alice's small hands touching my hair. I tensed, saw nothing but the color red, heard a sickening crunch and then, slowly, the most excruciating pain I'd ever felt shot through my hand.

I blinked, blinked, blinked. Finally, I focused.

Blood everywhere.

So I fainted.


	6. Something Left To Give

**CHAPTER 6: SOMETHING LEFT TO GIVE**

_It's not that difficult when you've got a luck of this kind_

_We've got to take advantage; we've got such limited time_

_Oh I wonder, oh I wonder_

_How long will it take me to die?_

_Oh it's not that interesting_

_But I'd like to keep it a secret_

_So I'll have something left to give_

**Something Left To Give – The Starting Line**

I woke up laughing before I even opened my eyes. Not just giggling, full on guffawing. I think I'd been dreaming about dancing with Rose and Alice, being tackled by Jasper onto the floor of Club P, and then decking one Sir Prissward Cullen right in his moneymaker. I swear, sometimes I think I don't even need friends; my own imagination is enough to entertain me.

"Do you usually wake up laughing after you faint, or is it just after you break someone's nose?" a stuffed up voice broke through my hysterics. My eyes snapped open and I sat straight up all at once. Creepy institutional white. Hospital. Painpainpain in my right hand –

"Owfuckfuck!" I cried as I saw my puffy hand. Wait – what was that? I leaned closer and squinted at my hand.

"It's a piece of bone," the stuffy voice continued. I finally looked at the paper-covered bed next to me. Edward was sitting there, jean-clad legs dangling, holding an ice pack to his face. He moved the ice pack and I saw the remnants of dried blood on his chin and felt my stomach flip. His eyes were already starting to blacken.

"Jesus fucking Christ on a bicycle, Edward, you got NOSE BONE in my hand?" I hollered as I clenched my eyes closed. "I thought I'd just broken it or something, but no, nose bone. Perfect."

"I didn't head butt you in the fist, Bella, I'm pretty sure _you_ punched _me_, so how am I getting blamed here?"

I ground my teeth, refusing to get pulled into one of his typical merry-go-round conversations. I looked around for my phone. Phil needed to come get me, stat… even more, now that I'm making medical jokes.

"I didn't know you were packing heat like that, Bells," he continued, seemingly unfazed by my lack of response.

"Cheerfully shut the fuck up, Edward," I growled as I scooted to the end of my bed, the paper rustling noisily beneath me.

"Bella-" he began.

"HELLO!" I yelled towards the door. "Nose bone in my hand! Can we get this taken care of so I can get out of here?"

"Are you drunk?" he hissed, clearly embarrassed by my outburst.

"No, I didn't get a chance to indulge in that lovely display of mindfuckery back there, sorry Eddie," I snapped. "What was that even about, huh?"

Silence. Paper crinkling. I sighed.

"I… I just wanted to do something to make you smile, for a change," he practically whispered. I opened my mouth – to say what, I'm not entirely sure – just as two doctors came in and began addressing our various wounds. I became entranced by the doctor pulling shards of bone out of my knuckles for a second or two before I became lightheaded again and squeezed my eyes closed for the duration. When I opened them again, my doctor and I were alone in the room.

The doctor bandaged me up and put my hand in some sort of air cast to keep it safe and clean. I looked like a Storm Trooper. I walked towards the waiting room and saw my friends and brother waiting for me. I promptly did the robot to break the tension. Everyone laughed, but I could see flickers of concern on their faces.

"No Charlie and Renee?" I asked Phil, as he ushered me towards the car.

"Bar brawl on your first night home, not a top selling point for 'daughter-of-the-year'. I didn't bother. I knew you only fainted from the blood that was GUSHING out of that fucker's face. I almost fainted myself, out of jealousy. Dude, it was so sick! It was like a fountain. BOOM and the bitch went down!" Phil yelled, shadow boxing with himself.

"I have to admit, Bella, that's not how I thought your first encounter with him would go down," Alice remarked as she scampered behind me.

"Didn't expect me to take a page out of the 'Alice Brandon Guide to Make Friends'?" I asked. She snorted.

"I wonder if he'll sue you," Emmett mused. I stopped short.

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, you did assault him, and his looks technically are his livelihood…"

"Emmett, is it possible for you to stop playing devil's advocate until I get my mangled sister home?" Phil asked, grimacing. He put his arm gently around me and steered me towards the car. We were closing in on Emmett's Jeep, when a figure leapt out of the shadows.

"YOU!" it screeched. I screamed bloody murder. I thought it was a bat or an axe murderer. If only…

"You fucking bitch!" the figure continued. A French manicured finger was being thrust in my face.

"Huh?" I asked, eloquently.

"You're fucking pathetic," the figure sneered. I heard a yell from across the parking lot.

"Uhh…" I continued to have a firm grasp of the English language.

"Who the fuck are you?" Rose finally said, elbowing her way in front of me.

"Oh, please, you know who I am," the figure retorted. I saw fake blonde hair in the low lights of the parking lot. Another figure was approaching us.

"Tanya, let's go," the approaching figure said. I recognized Edward's voice. Ah, so this was Tanning Tanya.

"Are you kidding, Edward? This psycho just cost you the Abercrombie shoot next week!" Tanya yelled. Oops…

"Stop it," Edward demanded, putting a hand on the small of her back to guide her away.

"And she stole your dog!" Tanya cried. "You hate her!"

What. The. Fuck.

"I'm fairly certain that cheating relinquishes all canine custodial rights," Alice spat at Tanya, glaring at Edward the whole time. Rose was standing next to her, arms crossed, looking intimidating. Emmett was staring a hole through the pavement, unsure of what to do. Jasper was silent, as usual, just standing near enough to Alice that he could back her up if need be.

"Maybe he wouldn't have cheated if your friend wasn't such a fugly bitch!" Did she really just say 'fugly' in public?

"Okay, ENOUGH!" Phil bellowed. Everyone froze. Phil was clenching his fists and trying hard to keep calm. "Edward, I think my sister did enough damage for one day, so I suggest you keep your bitch on a leash and get the fuck out of here. And stay the hell away from Bella. And Jake, for that matter. I don't want to see you near my family again."

"Phil," Edward began. He had a pained look in his eyes that I could see past the swollen face.

"I mean it, Edward. Or you'll be losing more than just an Abercrombie shoot." I could feel my eyes bugging out of my head. Phil was terrifying in that too-calm Mafia way. He was more like Charlie than I thought possible. Edward's shoulders slumped and he just nodded once and led Tanya, who was shrilly complaining about being 'kept on a leash', back to the car. All the money in the world, and he's still driving a silver Volvo. I smiled to myself. Some things never change.

"So," Jasper said, breaking the silence as we watch Edward's taillights fade into the distance. "Welcome home, Bells."

The next morning was the first day of camp. I was so excited, the second my alarm clock buzzed, I sat right up and screamed. Renee was sitting on the edge of my bed, petting Jake, and staring at me.

"MOM!" I cried, startled.

"Morning," she answered calmly.

"You're so creepy," I muttered, pulling the covers over my head and causing a sharp surge of pain through my right hand. I stared at my air cast, remembering the events of last night.

"Phil told Dad what happened last night," Renee stated, scratching behind Jake's ear. I looked at her, puzzled as to when this could have occurred. "Phil was up, watching some zombie movie at six in the morning when Dad left for work."

"Naturally." I answered, waiting for her to reprimand me. Renee taught preschool, I figured she would want her grown daughter to be better at using her words, not her fists.

"He said you really socked Edward good," she continued.

"I guess…"

"Good for you, sweetie." Renee kissed my forehead and headed out of my room. I lay still, confused. "Come on, Bells, you don't want to be late on your first day!" she called from the hallway. Jake curled up and nuzzled into my comforter. He loved staying in my warm bed and watching me run around in the mornings while he continued to sleep. Obnoxious dog. I threw on a pair of grey cotton shorts and my blue South Pines Day Camp staff shirt, slipped my feet into my perfectly worn in sneakers, awkwardly tied a bright pink bandanna around my Fraggled head and grabbed some cheap lime green sunglasses. I loved getting dressed for camp. Why can't you dress like this for every job? Suits and ties and heels baffle me, when you could be comfortable in elastic-waist shorts and silly, too-bright accessories. I sighed, looking at my cast. This was going to be fun to explain to everyone at work.

I arrived at camp, armed with two iced coffees. I juggled the tray in my good hand, grumbling. I saw Rosalie on the steps of the main house and gave her one of the coffees.

"Three Equal and skim milk," I said, holding it out to her. She grinned and took it from me.

"How's the bone collector?" she asked as she sipped her coffee and sat next to me, nodding at the cast, which was beginning to look obscenely bright in the morning sun.

"Oh, you know, hoping it will only collect penis bones from now on," I answered, rolling my eyes. Our division leader, Angela, walked by and handed us our clipboards.

"Already, Bella?" Angela asked, staring at my arm. I grinned. Rose and I had worked under Angela for almost four years now. As her two head counselors, she knew she could count on us to keep our groups running smoothly. She also knew my reputation as a walking disaster. After all, two summers ago, I had broken my ankle and had to sit out of swim for the whole summer. She had wanted to kill me for that one, especially since I had broken myself playing laser tag.

"Ah, Angela, you should have seen the other guy," I answered, winking. She laughed and shook her head. Rose snorted.

"Yeah, I bet. Okay, your junior counselors are going to meet you at line up in ten minutes, and the kids should be here in about an hour. Perfect first day, lets do it," she said, waving and walking into the main house.

South Pines was made of five divisions – kids two to five years old, first and second graders, third and fourth graders, fifth and sixth graders and teens. Since many kids started going to sleep away camp around fourth grade, the fifth and sixth grade division was the smallest. Rose ran the fifth grade girls group and I ran the sixth grade girls group. Paul and Sam were the head boys' counselors in our division, and Angela and Ben were our division leaders. Each group had two junior counselors as well. Juniors only meant less experienced, not always younger. I flipped through my paperwork, looking for my staff list. I hoped I had good juniors this year. Being a camp counselor wasn't hard, but without a good team, it becomes far more difficult. Luckily, since our division was so small, Rose and I wound up merging our two groups and doing a lot of activities together.

"Let's go meet our juniors," Rose said, picking up my clipboard for me.

"Thanks," I said, taking a big sip of my coffee.

"Whatever, gimpy. I know you're possessive of your clipboard, but maybe you should let a junior carry it this year." I stared at her, shocked. She laughed. "Or maybe just until you get the cast off in two weeks." I shook my head at her absurd notions as we approached our line up spot. Ben, Paul and Sam were there with their juniors – I recognized Embry and Seth from past summers. There were two new boys standing and talking with the four girls. I rolled my eyes. I better not have to deal with too much counselor flirting this year.

"Hey, Bella, I'm with you this year!" one of the girls called out, waving as Rose and I approached. I smiled, relieved. Leah was a great counselor, and I knew we'd work well together. She and her brother, Seth, had actually been campers at South Pines when I'd started, so I knew them well.

"Damn, I wanted Leah this year," Rose muttered to me. She pulled out the staff list.

"Snap, yo," I answered, looking over her shoulder. "Look, though, you've got Emily."

"Yeah, Emily's cool, that's true." We both kept skimming the page. "I guess we have two newbies too." We went to sit down on our usual bench.

"Hey Rose, hey Bella," Sam said as he sat down, followed by the rest of the guys. We all said our hellos, and were introduced to the two new boys, Jared and Quil. I could see Jared giving Rose the once-over. He'd learn quickly enough to rein that in. I heard Emily and Leah walking over with Angela and the new girls and looked up, shielding my eyes against the now-blinding sun.

"Great, everyone is here, let's get started," Angela began. "The fifth grade group, Stanford, will be led by Rosalie, and the counselors will be Emily and Irina." Irina stepped forward, smiling. Rose smiled back. Angela continued. "The sixth grade group, Radcliff, will be led by Bella, and the counselors will be Leah and Tanya." Behind Irina I could see fake blonde hair and a too-tight staff shirt. Oh, no way in hell –

"You've got to be joking me," she said, her nasal voice dripping with disdain. I could see her looking me up and down even behind her Dior sunglasses.

"Excuse me?" Angela said, raising her eyebrows. She looked at me for an explanation.

"I'm not working with _her_," she continued before I could say anything. My jaw dropped. I couldn't believe how immature she was acting, on her first day of work for that matter. And no one wears Dior at camp, get real.

"It's fine, Angela, she's kidding," I said quickly. The kids were going to be here in less than an hour, I knew they weren't going to fire her for essentially sucking at life. I had to find a way to salvage my group, and fast. I loved my job, and I wasn't going to have this awful girl ruin it for me.

"I am not kidding!" she insisted. Good grief. I felt like bashing my head into a wall. Angela kept looking back and forth between us. I couldn't think of something to say fast enough.

"Bella, Tanya, can you come help me with the kids' cubbies?" Leah called. I knew Leah could label some cubbies by herself, so I shot her a thankful look. Tanya looked like she was about to say something else, so I grabbed her elbow with my good hand and dragged her into the locker room, the door swinging behind me.

"Get off of me, you white trash, bar fighting piece of shit!" Tanya exclaimed, wrenching her arm out of my grip. Great, I'll have to deal with a potty mouth in front of thirty eleven-year-old girls, even better. Rose, Emily and Irina walked into the room, a little quicker than normal.

"I can't believe you work here," I groaned.

"Actually…" Irina began. I looked up. She hadn't said a word yet today. She gave me a weird half smile. "Our father owns the camp."

"Your last name is Denali?" Rose asked. Irina nodded. "And she is your sister?" she pointed at the pouting Tanya. Irina nodded again. Facepalm.

I rubbed my eyes vigorously, trying to make Tanya disappear, but only making myself see spots when I stopped. I sighed. Leah and Emily had crept off to do the cubbies, whispering furiously between themselves. Thank God for them.

"Daddy told me I'd be working with a girl named _Isabella_, not _Bella_," Tanya was hissing to Irina. Rose stared at me, wide-eyed, as if to ask if this was really happening. "He also said she was next in line to be a division leader and was practically the head of the South Pines social scene. This is clearly not the right person." If I'd had any reservations about keeping things professional before, after hearing that I was being considered for leadership at the job I loved, I was even more determined to do well this summer.

"Bella is short for Isabella, if you were wondering," Leah called from across the room. Tanya glared at her, and Leah smiled a syrupy sweet grin right back.

"I'm going to talk to Daddy," Tanya declared, before spinning around and stalking to the door. She paused. "Let's go, Irina!" Irina jumped and followed her, the door swinging shut behind them. There was a moment of silence.

"Bar fighting?" Emily asked, her mouth twitching. Leah looked at me, curiously. I sighed. So much for a perfect first day.


	7. A Praise Chorus

**CHAPTER 7: A PRAISE CHORUS**

_Things are never going to be the way you want._

_Where's it gonna get you acting serious?_

_Things are never going to be quite what you want,_

_Even at 25, you've got to start sometime._

_I'm on my feet I'm on the floor I'm good to go._

_Now all I need is just to hear a song I know._

_I want to always feel like part of this was mine._

_I want to fall in love tonight._

**A Praise Chorus – Jimmy Eat World**

I increased the speed and incline of the treadmill and could feel my breaths becoming shallower. I needed to just run this day away. After Tanya and Irina left to talk to Papa Denali, Angela had come into the locker room to find out what was going on. Though she was my mother's age, Angela was a cool lady, so I told her the truth. She knew Edward from the summers he had spent working at South Pines before his big break. The camp even used an old picture of the two of us on the website to promote it's ties to the famous model. She was sympathetic, but explained that Mr. Denali expected his daughters to work here this summer, and there was nothing she could do about it. Tanya refused to work with the younger children, and the teens went on too many trips and she didn't like coach buses, so she was stuck in our division. Apparently Mr. Denali told Tanya he wouldn't move me, either. Angela confessed that she got the impression that Mr. Denali wasn't thrilled with Tanya and Edward's relationship. It was sickening that hearing that made me slightly giddy. Grimacing, I ran faster.

"What are you running from?" a silky voice murmured from beside me. I stumbled and smacked the emergency brake button and my treadmill immediately halted. Still breathing heavily, I spun to face Edward, leaning cockily against the Stairmaster.

"Christ, get a fucking bell, Edward!" He was wearing a black T-shirt that said TRAIN. Only the personal trainers here wore those… "You're working here?" I asked gesturing to his shirt. He looked down at his shirt, as if he had forgotten he was wearing it, and then looked back up at me with a bashful smile.

"Looks like it." Oh good, we're sticking with Cryptic Asshole Edward, my favorite. I hopped off the treadmill and headed to grab a paper towel to wipe down my machine. Edward followed behind me. "I'm surprised you're running with your arm all messed up. The impact can't be good for it."

"As long as people don't sneak up on me and make me fall, I'm sure I'll be fine," I said, giving him a pointed look. He shrugged, as if to say I wasn't supposed to hold him accountable for his actions. Rolling my eyes, I walked to the coat rack and grabbed my sweatshirt.

"You didn't answer my question," he called from behind me.

"And you've practically never answered one of mine, Edward. What are you even doing here? Why are you home, working at the gym again? What the hell is going on?" I yanked my sweatshirt over my head, messing up my ponytail in the process. I pulled the elastic from my hair while I waited for Edward to give me even just one word to try to make sense of everything. He just stared at me. I glanced over his shoulder at the mirror. One day in the sun and I was already getting a tan. My cheeks were flushed from my run, and my hair was shiny and cascading around my shoulders. My old faded sweatshirt had been cut low and you could see my heaving chest. Typical. I snapped my fingers in front of his face. "Focus!"

"Sorry," he said in a totally unapologetic voice. He steered his eyes back to my face. When our eyes met, he stopped. Then he sighed. "I needed a change of scenery. To get back to my roots, remember who I am and what I want."

"Well, that sounds awesome, and very vague. Good luck with that." I turned and walked out of the air-conditioned gym and into the imposing heat of the parking lot.

"Bella, wait!" I heard his sneakers slapping the blacktop as he ran over to me. I paused with my hand on my door handle, my back to him. "Turn around, please. Just look at me for one second."

I turned. His bruises looked even worse in the sunlight. I could see the edges, where the purple turned to green and then a sickly yellow. I couldn't believe that I had done that. Pride and guilt simultaneously washed over me in a wave. I raised one eyebrow at him, expectantly.

"Phil's gotten pretty scary over the years, huh?" he finally said.

"You want to talk about my brother?" I asked incredulously.

"No. I just… I heard what he said last night, Bella. I get it. That's what I would have told him to say if someone was hassling you. I just… missed you."

"I'm sorry you missed me, Edward, but you never had to." Harsh, but it had to be said. He looked nauseous.

"I know that," he said softly. Something fluttered deep in my gut.

"I've got to get home. It's our first trip tomorrow, and _someone_ is already gunning for counselor of the century, so I have to make sure I'm on top of my game." Now I was just being obnoxious for the fun of it. Edward cocked his head to one side in confusion. "You know, your girlfriend – looks like an extra from "Mean Girls", calls people 'fugly' in parking lots. "

"What about her?" he asked suspiciously. I laughed. I'd assumed he knew already, since Tanya was enjoying running her mouth so much.

"What about her, indeed. Tanya, who's last name I didn't realize was Denali, by the way. She's one of my junior counselors this year." _Thanks for the heads up_, I added silently. "I thought you knew."

"Christ, no. She's never worked there before. I guess that's what she meant about working for her dad. I thought she would have been in the office, otherwise I would have told you."

"Well, she's rocking the Radcliff this summer, and apparently _loving_ it," I said, making a face. Edward chuckled, shaking his head.

"I don't know what she's thinking. She's going to hate camp. The second a kid splashes her or she sits on some melted ice cream, she's going to lose it."

"She already has." I muttered. Edward sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Yeah, good luck with that, too." An awkward silence crept up on us. I shuffled my feet.

"So, can I ask you a question?" he finally said. I shrugged. He went on. "Why don't you feel the need to maim me today?"

"I guess I got it out of my system last night. It was _that_ satisfying of a punch." He smirked and looked like he wanted to say something. I waited. Finally, after tugging on his T-shirt for a while, he spoke up, staring at the floor.

"I'm sorry she got in your face last night. I wasn't going to say anything. I deserve way worse than I got." I stared at him, astonished. I was under the impression that he hated me and didn't regret anything about how our relationship went down.

"Wait a second," I finally said. "I thought you hated me. So how do you deserve worse than me breaking your nose?"

Edward's head snapped up, his green eyes blazing. "How could _I_ hate _you_, Bella? You didn't do anything! I'm the one…" he trailed off, his thoughts seeming to catch up to his mouth, and he looked embarrassed.

"You're the one, what?" I asked. He kicked a pebble instead of answering me. "The one, what, Edward? Come on, stop talking in Mad Libs, I don't get it."

"I'm the one who fucked everything up, okay?" he snapped. I was taken aback by his harsh tone. "I know what we had, Bella. I know how perfect we were together, and I know that no one else gets me like you do. I know I gave up your family and our family and our future and I hate myself for it every day. You're the best friend I've ever had, Bells. Ever. It kills me that I don't get to be a part of your life anymore, that I don't know what you're doing, that I can't make you laugh. It kills me that every song I hear reminds me of you, that every movie I see would be better if you were sitting next to me." He paused and looked at me. I knew my brown eyes were swimming with tears and simultaneously bugging out of my skull. Words were swirling in my brain, but not making any coherent sentences. A small smile danced across his lips. "Bella, do you know that no one has made a literary reference to me in five years? Not even a Mad Libs reference. I miss books. I miss discussions. I miss sitting in front of your open refrigerator and trying every cheese your parents had. I miss _you_, Bella." He finally stopped, and took a tentative step towards me, palms up in surrender. I couldn't breathe.

"Are you done?" I asked. He nodded, looking hopeful. I took a shaky breath and stepped backwards. "I've got to go." I turned and quickly jumped into my truck, speeding away. I could see him in my rearview mirror, still standing in the parking lot, watching my taillights. My cell phone started ringing – Jasper. I hit ignore. I couldn't deal with him, or Alice's premonitions right now. I just wanted to go home, and curl up with Jake.

The next day at camp was our first trip. South Pines liked to have a surprise party early in the summer so the campers could all bond and get to know each other better. They called it Mystery Bash. It was like a mini prom – we all got dressed up, drank Shirley Temples, and did the Electric Slide. The sixth grade boys would nervously ask girls to dance, and said girls' friends would watch, giggling helplessly. There was a hula-hoop contest that Rosalie won every year – no one could compete with those hips. Mystery Bash was the perfect way to distract myself from Edward's outburst last night.

I volunteered to be the mummy in the mummy wrap contest. Paul was the mummy for the boys. We stood perfectly still, laughing, while the kids took turns wrapping us in toilet paper. The screams and laughter from my girls was the exact reason why I kept coming back to this job. _God, I love camp_, I thought as a piece of toilet paper was shoved in my mouth. Before my girls wrapped my eyes, I could see Tanya standing in the back of the room with Jared. She was staring right at me, pointing and laughing. I felt myself getting red, but not with embarrassment. I was angry. She was _not_ ruining this day for these kids. If you can't make a fool of yourself in front of a bunch of kids, you shouldn't be working with them, bottom line. I didn't want one of the girls to see Tanya laughing at me and think she was laughing at them. I proceeded to make silly faces at the kids and make them all laugh by cracking jokes about having to take a tinkle. Leah and Emily were dancing with some girls by the DJ booth, Rose was taking pictures, and even Irina was returning from the bathroom with a group of kids. Everyone was working and everyone was happy, except for Tanya. Le sigh.

The party came to a close, and the kids filed outside with all their party favors – candy, hats, sunglasses, and noisemakers – and created the biggest cacophony I'd ever been privy to. Rose and I were doubled over laughing and attempted to conduct them like a symphony, which clearly didn't work. We piled on the buses, still laughing and singing. I reached into my backpack, which I had left on the bus. I had ten missed calls from Emmett and Jasper, and seven texts from each of them. They just kept telling me to call them as soon as I could. I felt my stomach clench up. Something was wrong.

It was against camp policy to use cell phones while we were working, but I leaned against the wall of the bus and called Emmett. No answer. I dialed Jasper. It rang once and he picked up right away.

"Bella?"

"Jasper, what's going on?"

"Did you talk to Emmett?" Jasper asked, ignoring my question.

"Not yet, he didn't answer. I had a million missed calls from you guys, what's going on?"

"It's nothing to worry about," he said vaguely. I felt like I was going to throw up.

"Jasper, please, I'm freaking out," I begged.

"There's no reason to freak out. Where are you?"

"I'm on the bus coming back from the Mystery Bash," I heard his sharp intake of breath. My call waiting beeped, alerting me that Emmett was calling me back. "Oh, Emmett is calling me back."

Jasper paused. "Okay… Maybe you should just talk to him when you get home."

"Hang on," I said, disregarding his comment. I clicked over. "Emmett?"

"Bella?" Emmett said. I could hear that his voice was thick with tears. I sat up straighter and clapped a hand over my other ear to hear him better.

"Emmett, what happened?"

"Bella, it's James."

"What about James? Is he home?" I was going to kill them if they were messing with me.

"No, Bella. There was an accident when he was driving home last night."

"What?" I couldn't say anything else. Tears were stinging my eyes. "Is he okay?" I heard Emmett begin to sob. Nothing has ever scared me like hearing this mammoth, happy-go-lucky man cry so helplessly.

"He didn't make it," he choked out.

"No," I wailed. I was vaguely aware that my campers were gaping at me. Emily had come and sat next to me and was stroking my hair. Rose was sitting in the seat across me, staring at me in horror. She knew I was talking to Emmett, but didn't know what was going on. I was shaking with tears. I sniffed and attempted to calm down. "Em, as soon as I get out of camp, I'm coming over."

"Okay."

"I love you, Emmett," I said, slightly strangled. He hiccupped.

"Love you, Bells. See you soon." I snapped my phone shut and proceeded to cry hysterically. My tears were gushing down my face faster and hotter than I'd ever experienced.

"Bella, what?" Rose demanded, grabbing my hands.

"James is gone," I moaned. Her eyes widened. She didn't know him that well, but she knew how close we all were growing up. "He got in an accident on his way home. I don't know the details." I looked up at her. "Will you take me to Emmett's when we get back?"

"Of course," she said, hugging me. I continued to cry, oblivious to my campers whispering and Tanya glaring. I sunk into Rosalie's lap and allowed her, Emily and Leah comfort me. I'd never known a pain like this. I felt hollow. I just kept saying his name over and over in my head, _James James James_, refusing to believe that my friend could be gone.


	8. View From Heaven

Authors Note: This chapter was insanely difficult for me to write. I'd also like to dedicate it to my RL James, RIP 1984-2007.

For an actual author's note – Alice isn't supposed to seem distant in this. She did go to HS with Bella, Emmett, Jasper and James, but she was more of Bella's friend than the boys', so she's not as close with James as the rest of them are.

**CHAPTER 8: VIEW FROM HEAVEN**

_Late night drives, all alone in my car_

_I can't help but start_

_Singing lines from all our favorite songs_

_And melodies in the air_

_Singin' life just ain't fair_

_Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone_

_And I'm sure the view from heaven_

_Beats the hell out of mine here_

**View From Heaven – Yellowcard**

I stood in my closet, staring blankly at my clothes. What the hell did someone wear to a funeral in the middle of a heat wave? I had literally nothing that would work. Not to mention my bright white cast would be a lone bright spot in the sea of black. Sighing, I pulled a short-sleeved black sweater dress off of a hanger. I was having a hard time making myself look presentable when I felt like my insides had all but been ripped out.

It had been two days since I found out that James had died. The first night, Rosalie took me to Emmett's house. Jasper was already sitting in his room with him. I walked in, and Emmett took one look at me, and launched himself into my arms. We stood awkwardly, squeezing, sobbing and shaking in the middle of his room. Jasper looked vacant. I knew he wasn't huge on emotion, or major displays of them, so I had expected this reaction. The three of us spent the night calling every single person we graduated with; informing them of James' passing and letting them know about the funeral arrangements. It was exhausting, but bizarrely comforting. The strangest people were the most empathetic. Emmett wound up on the phone with one boy who'd been in James' class since kindergarten for about twenty minutes. Rosalie stayed helpful by force-feeding us meatball subs and Italian ices. Alice called every hour from the city to check up on us since she couldn't leave work until the funeral. The next morning, I woke up and bouncily got ready for camp. It wasn't until I was pulling my camp shirt out from the drawer that it hit me. I'd collapsed on my bedroom floor, unable to breathe until my mother came in and found me. I was a zombie at work, keeping my sunglasses on at all times. Poor Leah was picking up all the slack between Tanya and myself. Angela was with our group more than usual, trying to help out. At lunch, one of my more mature campers gave me a hug and told me she was sorry about my friend. I stared at her for a moment, then hugged her back and smiled for the first time that day.

A knock on my door interrupted my thoughts. I'd been standing at my mirror, staring but not seeing my reflection. Rosalie walked into my room, and peeked her head into my closet.

"Almost ready, Bella?" she asked quietly. I'd never seen Rose as reserved as she'd been the past few days. I nodded once and walked towards her. She gently brushed some hair back from my face. I wondered when the last time I'd showered was? I didn't even remember. I shrugged helplessly at her. She calmly found my brush and pulled my hair into a ponytail for me. It was nice to be touched, so I sat still while she worked. She handed me a pair of black flats and a black sweater. I slid my feet most of the way in and half-shuffled, half-walked down the hallway. Rose followed, turning off the light behind us. I clomped down the stairs and walked through the kitchen. Phil was making himself a bowl of cereal, and looked up as we approached.

"Hey," he said, simply. I moved my mouth in a smile/grimace combo. "I couldn't get off work this morning, so I'm going to meet you at the church later, okay?" My heart thumped against my chest and I could feel the tears brimming. I threw myself into my baby brother's startled arms and squeezed him as hard as I could. He squeezed me back, whispering, "You're going to be okay, Bellarina. You're going to make it." I bit my lip, unable to make a sound. Rose took my hand and led me outside to her car. She started the engine, and the radio came to life. I stared at it, unsure if I detested or appreciated the background noise. Rose drove us to a bagel shop and left me in the car while she bought food.

"Light with skim and a splash of half and half and six sugars," she said, holding my iced coffee out to me as she got back in the car. I took it gratefully. Then she held a bagel out at me. "Eat. Or I'm taking the coffee back." Reluctantly, I nibbled on the everything bagel with cream cheese. It tasted like cardboard to me. I ate half while Rose ate her bagel, and broke the other half into pieces as she pulled out of the parking lot and drove to the funeral home. As we approached, I saw tons of cars lining the street. She pulled into a parking spot as close as she could find. I left my dissected bagel on the side of the road for some birds, and followed her. The temperature outside of the air-conditioned car was sweltering and I could feel my dress sticking to me. I spotted Alice, Emmett and Jasper standing in the middle of a huge line of people waiting to go into the home. We walked up to them.

"What's going on?" Rose asked as she wrapped an arm around Emmett. He hugged her back, but released her quickly. I watched as he fidgeted in his clothes and realized he was wearing a tweed jacket. He must be overheating like mad.

"There are so many people here, they won't let us stay inside. You just walk through the room and pay your respects and have to keep walking," Alice explained. Stunned, I looked around at the growing crowd. "We can obviously stay inside, but we decided to let James' family have some space with everyone right now." The five of us stood awkwardly, occasionally shuffling forward as the line moved. I watched as people exited the building, often crying. I saw a group of former classmates and raised my hand tentatively in greeting. They responded similarly. An old neighbor of mine approached me and hugged me fiercely, tears streaming down her face. I didn't realize she knew James' family, but I hugged her back anyway.

Finally, we got to the door of the funeral home. I could feel breezes of air conditioning blowing towards us. I was trying to wrap my brain around what was about to happen when it was our turn and I walked into the room. I was on autopilot. I went right to the coffin and stared. James lay still, looking perfectly healthy. I kept waiting for him to get up, laughing and telling us it was all a joke. He was wearing his infamous red blazer, the one he wore to every formal event, and I could practically see him walking into my house last News Years Eve, shaking snow out of his hair, bending over to scratch Jake's belly and smiling up at me. I felt dizzy and my cheeks felt hot, and I knew I was crying, and I was about to completely lose it, when I heard a noise behind me.

I turned, and through my tear-blurred vision, I saw Emmett kneeling on the floor, clawing at his tie and making an awful keening noise. Rose was standing beside him, frozen and stunned. Jasper was reaching down to him and I could see the tendons in his jaw flexing. I flew to him, and Jasper and I lifted him up as best we could. Alice pulled the imposing tweed jacket off of him and I could feel the heat emanating from his body. Emmett relaxed for a moment, then saw the coffin again and slumped against me. I could barely hold him up, but I clung to him, and reached an arm out to Rose. I bit back my own tears and focused on keeping Emmett upright as we navigated him to some chairs. We sat him down, and Rose sat next to him. He clutched at her hands. Jasper stood in front of them, breathing heavily, and then stalked off. Alice blinked at me, still holding Emmett's jacket. I squeezed her shoulder and followed Jasper into the hallway.

He was pacing back and forth, and then I saw him kick a chair leg. I reached out to him, but before I could get there, he was punching the wall, over and over and over. I ran to him, and wrapped my arms around him, trying to soothe him. He stayed stiff in my arms for a moment, and then seemed to just melt into me. I stroked his back while we stood together. He didn't hold me back, just leaned against me. I felt better doing this, taking care of my friends. It made more sense than anything else I'd been doing lately. Over Jasper's shoulder, I saw Alice and Rose flanking Emmett and walking him into the hallway. Wordlessly, they joined us in the least cheesy and most necessary group hug in the history of hugs. It was so important to be held, especially by other people who understood what we were going through. As the hug ended, my friends held their respective others' hands, and I followed them out of the funeral home and back into the heat and blinding sunlight.

We arrived at the church after a quiet drive with me sitting in the backseat, sandwiched between Emmett and Jasper, clutching each other's hands for dear life. Once we got to the church, Phil joined us, and Em and Jasper broke off to go wherever the pallbearers had to go. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a distinct color that made me stop. I turned and saw Edward standing awkwardly alone a couple of feet away, tugging at his tie. His hair was shining in the bright summer sunlight. He raised a hand in greeting, and I did the same. Phil slid an arm around my shoulders and led me into the church. We sat a few rows behind James' family and I watched as the church began to fill up. Tons of people from our town were there, and then a large group of the most downtrodden looking boys I'd ever seen came in. I nudged Alice and nodded to them.

"James' fraternity brothers from school," she whispered. My eyes widened. They'd had to make the same drive that James was making when he died to get here for this. The whole situation broke my heart even more. They must have really loved him. I felt the tears welling in my eyes again, and swiped at them. Why would this happen to such an amazing person? I felt like I was doing nothing with my life, while James had so much going for him. It didn't make any sense.

I was jarred from my thoughts by loud organ music. I turned to the door of the church, and watched my friends carry our lost friend's body. I felt a wave of despair wash over me, and heard Rose's breath hitch in her throat. I looked at her while she looked at Emmett, who seemed like a broken shell of his former jovial, exuberant self. Alice had a similar look on her face. The look of someone who had to watch someone they love in pain, and couldn't do anything to fix it. I swallowed hard, and wrapped my arms around my girls while they cried watching the men they loved perform this sacred right. Phil rubbed our backs and hugged us, almost comically unsure of what to do with himself.

The service went by in a blur. Phil hugged me and had to go back to work, leaving us to wait for Emmett and Jasper before heading to the cemetery. This whole day was beginning to exhaust me. I walked into the courtyard next to the church to sit down and get some shade. The sunlight beating on my black-clad body certainly wasn't giving me any more energy. I sighed and sunk onto the cool marble bench and closed my eyes. I felt a gentle breeze waft across my face and opened them again. Edward was standing in front of me, fanning me. I just stared at him.

"You looked hot," he said, simply. I kept staring. He seemed to realize his double entendre. "I mean, not _hot_ hot. Not that you don't look beautiful. I just don't think people tend to look hot in funeral clothes. I meant you looked warm." I rubbed my face in response. He took that as an invitation to sit down. "Are you okay?"

I thought about snorting and being sarcastic. "I'm fine," I said instead. My voice was surprisingly hoarse for this hour in the day. That's when I realized that this was the first time I'd spoken.

"You are not," he replied.

"I mean, obviously not, but I'm as fine as I can be given the circumstances."

"No, you're not even that," he countered.

"Can you stop telling me how I feel?" I snapped.

"Sure – when you start."

I jumped to my feet, angrily. "You want to know how I feel?" I snapped, pointing at him. "I can't describe what it's like to have to pick _Emmett_ up off the floor while he's falling to pieces. Or stop _Jasper_ from punching a wall. Or to watch them carry your other friend's _body_ down the aisle of a church, while their girlfriends lose it. My insides hurt. I never knew something like this existed." I trailed off, and sat back down, tears threatening to run down my face. "Em and Jasper are just total messes. I'm trying to be strong for them."

Edward turned and looked me right in the eye, taking my good hand in both of his. "Bella, while you're busy being strong for everyone else, who's being strong for you?" As soon as the question left his mouth, I felt my lip start to quiver and my tears finally spilled over. He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me while I cried. I cried for my friends, I cried for anyone who even knew James, I cried for Edward, I cried for James, and finally I cried for me.


	9. The Rock Show

**Sorry for the delay, I was on vacation for two weeks (okay, I'm not that sorry) and RL came back with a vengeance (oh, camp).**

**Thanks for dealing through my angstyness. Come check out the thread Sunfeathers was nice enough to make for the story over at Twilighted! **www(dot)twilighted(dot)net/forum/viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=4257

**I own nothing Twilight, musical or any names of Italian Ice chains or music festivals.**

**I do own a million tacky souvenirs from Hawaii, five staff shirts, and a great tan.**

**CHAPTER NINE – THE ROCK SHOW**

_Hanging out behind the club, on the weekend._

_Acting stupid, getting drunk with my best friends._

_I couldn't wait for the summer and the Warped Tour._

_I remember it's the first time that I saw her- there._

_Because I fell in love with the girl at the rock show._

**Blink 182 – The Rock Show**

Two weeks after James' funeral, I was heading into the gym. I'd had zero energy following that exhausting day, and was barely eating. Today, my body was beginning to feel like my own again, instead of being taken over by anguish, so I was taking advantage of it. It helped that the boys were on the same page as I was about dealing with James' passing. I didn't want his name to become a taboo, so we talked about him as we thought of him, which was pretty frequently right now.

As I approached the doors of the gym, Edward intercepted me. We'd called an unspoken truce since the funeral, but I still raised my eyebrows at him. He raised a brown paper bag in response and grasped my newly un-casted wrist and led me to a table on the patio. I peeked into the bag and looked back at him with a gasp.

"Is it…?"

"Come on, you don't think I've forgotten the Bella Swan Coping Menu, do you? Alcohol for forgetting, ice cream for numbing and burritos for rebuilding," he listed, counting off on his fingers. I grinned, completely surprised, and started unwrapping my burrito.

"I hope you remembered that I hate tomatoes," I joked as I took a huge bite. Edward stared at me with a panicked expression. I squeaked in terror and spit my bite out, retching. My fear of tomatoes was totally unreasonable, but they leave a slimy, seedy trail on everything they touch, like a slug, and I am physically incapable of ingesting one without crying. Before I could react further, I realized he was laughing. I finally looked at the burrito – and by looked, I mean inspected – and saw it was _exactly_ how I liked it, right down to the corn salsa I loved. I couldn't believe he remembered something as specific as how I like my burritos. "Very funny," I said, when I was confidant there wasn't the hint of a tomato anywhere on my food. "You're not going to make me eat alone, are you?"

"Please, who do you think you're dealing with here?" he answered, placing another bag on the table and pulling his foil wrapped burrito out. We ate together in comfort, occasionally chatting.

When I finished, I leaned back and groaned. "You know, you're a pretty shitty personal trainer. I'm going to have to talk to your boss about you force-feeding me refried beans and cheese. There's no way I can work out now, I'd puke all over the treadmill."

"Well, that _is_ one method of calorie burning. Anyway, I'm mostly just here so they can say _Edward Cullen_ will be here. Membership has gone way up, apparently," he remarked, feigning nonchalance. I could see that after all this time; he was still giddy that people knew his name. That was better than him becoming jaded, at least.

"I hope they mentioned your modesty in the press release," I commented, tearing a napkin into tiny pieces. He rolled his eyes at me. I felt the first awkward silence of our meal begin to settle upon us, and realized that his success was a sensitive subject for us. My phone beeped, alerting me to a text message from Alice.

_We're at your house w/ Ralph's –a_

"Sorry, Alice and crew are at my house with ices, I should go," I said, standing and starting to clear off the table. "Thanks so much for the burrito, really."

"No problem," Edward answered. He clapped his hand on my shoulder and opened his mouth to say something else as I yelped in pain, and jumped back. Edward looked at me in confusion. "Did I just Hulk out or something? I barely touched you."

"You wish you Hulked out. You just want an excuse to wear purple pants and not get teased," I said as I pulled my sweatshirt off to reveal my bare shoulder. "New ink." I turned and showed Edward the cluster of stars on my shoulder with James' initials in them and the song lyrics that reminded me of him. Emmett and Jasper and I went together and all got James-inspired tattoos. Emmett got a banner being held by swallows on his back, and Jasper got a quote from a book that he and James both loved on his forearm.

I became extremely aware of Edward touching my bare skin as he traced the outline of the stars. I suddenly felt tingly and lightheaded, like a strong breeze could knock me down. The feeling was so strong and unfamiliar; I knew I was breaking out in goose bumps. God, how cliché was I? I stepped away and smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry, I'm cold," I said simply, pulling my sweatshirt back over my head.

"Only you would be cold on a 75 degree night standing on blacktop," Edward said, but I barely heard him because he was _looking_ at me so hard. The lightheadedness continued, so I pulled my keys out and stepped towards the truck.

"See you… later," I said, about to say _tomorrow_, but catching myself before I made official plans with him. Seeing each other around town is one thing, but making set-in-stones plans with Edwards is a no-no. I was proud of myself for having boundaries, and stood a little straighter as I turned and headed to my truck, waving.

When I arrived at my house, two cars were parked in front. I heard laughter coming from the yard, so I just went around back and saw my parents, brother and four best friends sitting around the table on the patio, laughing, sharing beers and Italian ices. The umbrella was lit by a mixture of small white lights and gaudy, star shaped Fourth of July lights that I put up last year. It was actually a perfect representation of my family – a solid mixture of classy and over-the-top that somehow worked. I paused near the gate entranced and watched for a moment. I felt a twinge in my chest when I remembered that James should be here, and he never would be again. For the first time since he died, another voice rang out in my head. It wasn't the somber, depressing, dirge of a voice like usual, reminding me of everyone's pain. It was lighter. It sounded like James when he tried to sweet talk me into giving him my seat on the couch next to the air conditioner last summer during a sweltering movie night. This voice showed me what I still had in front of me – all these amazing people, new exciting experiences, my whole damn _life_ – and I couldn't let a second of it go by without embracing it. I was brought out of my mini epiphany by the jangling of Jake's collar as he ran up to me, snorting and jumping to be pet. The whole table yelled greetings as I fully entered my backyard. Alice pulled a white container out of a bag while Phil popped the top off a beer for me. I sat down and accepted their offerings, lifting the lid off the ice container. I looked at Alice curiously.

"I got you Milky Way, duh." I grinned, digging into my delicious ice.

"What did you get?" I asked through a mouthful, my spoon raised to attack. She laughed and pushed her ice towards me.

"Oh, Bells, before I forget, it looks like you got some concert tickets in the mail today," Renee piped up as Alice stole her ice back.

"Yes!" Emmett and Jasper cheered, excited.

"What concert?" Phil asked, about to get annoyed that I didn't invite him.

"The Warped Tour, it's on Saturday. Don't even say anything, I told you last year I wouldn't take you again, after you knocked over the row of Port-A-Potties and then got kicked out for underage drinking." Everyone looked expectantly at Phil to share the story, which he did without hesitation. The evening was spent with good food, great laughs and even better friends. Things were getting better.

The week went by in a blur. Life was returning to normal. My kids at camp had fallen into a nice routine. My group was made up of 25 kids, so it got chaotic. I had them count off when arriving and before leaving every activity so we didn't lose anyone. They wouldn't sit still long enough for me to count them if all of their lives depended on it, so the count off was better. Tanya was perpetually confused when the kids would start counting, seemingly out of nowhere. Confused was a better state for her than vindictive, which was how she spent the first few weeks. Apparently, my grief didn't mesh well with her work plan of doing literally nothing.

Finally, it was Saturday. I woke up early, plaited my hair into two braids, and pulled on a pair of jeans, my dirtiest Chucks, and a wife beater I didn't really care about. I made sure to grab a bandana and lather sunscreen all over my face and arms. No jewelry, no make-up, nothing you actually liked – that was the wardrobe code for the Warped Tour. Warped was held in a bare field, so all the people running around and moshing kicked up a ton of dust, hence the need for the bandana. I heard a horn outside and grabbed my ratty messenger bag – to hold all the free shit they give out, and T-shirts - while running for the door. Emmett and Jasper were idling in front of my door, music blasting, honking the horn continuously. I grinned, turned my face up to the sky, allowing the sun to warm me, silently appreciating the day, then ran across the lawn and jumped in the car.

"Breakfast?" Jasper asked, turning around, holding a bag out to me.

I rolled my eyes. "Is that a serious question?" I took the bag and opened it, smiling happily. Sausage, egg, cheese and hash browns on a roll, with a vanilla iced coffee. Emmett cranked the music again, and we drove on. While I ate, I pondered what it meant when people knew your food preferences. Did it mean that I was too predictable? Or did it mean that certain people paid attention enough to the details because they loved you? If that was the case, what did it mean that Edward knew mine? I quickly averted my thoughts from that certain road, and between bites, sang along with the radio.

Soon enough, we pulled into the crowded parking lot, and I started to bounce up and down in my seat.

"Maybe we shouldn't have gotten her the large coffee," Emmett stage whispered to Jasper.

Jasper looked at me and pointed in my face. "Hey. You. Don't relax at all, we're about to fuck some shit up." Emmett laughed and I whooped, leaping out of the car. We raced to the gates, already hearing the thumping music from some of the earlier bands. Once inside, we made our way to the huge inflatable sign that held the day's lineup. I pulled the cap off of my trusty Sharpie with my teeth and proceeded to scribble bands, stage names and times on my left arm. Emmett and Jasper threw in bands they wanted to see as well. Satisfied with our schedule, we realized that we had an hour before the first band we wanted to see went on. The three of us wandered the merch tents, grabbing tons of free crap and stuffing them into my bag. I went crazy buying band t-shirts, since it was what most of my wardrobe was made of anyway. Jasper reminded me of the time, and we got to the stage just as the band was starting. Emmett plowed his way through the crowd, Jasper and I following. We arrived in the middle just as the mosh pit opened. I grinned widely, and tightened the strap on my bag. I saw Emmett's eyes widen for a second, and Jasper held his hand up, telling him to let me go. As the song picked up, I jumped and spun and danced and kicked, loving every second of it. Nothing makes you feel more a part of music than to be able to just let go of your body and just _become_ the music. At a concert, in a pit, that's where I really feel like I'm me, one hundred percent. As I rocked out, I crashed into someone, a typical occurrence. I tried to spin off whoever it was, back into the crowd, but they'd grabbed onto my shoulders. I opened my eyes and found myself staring into sparkling green ones.

"Edward?" I yelled over the music, totally confused.

"Hey, Bella," he yelled back, seeming far less thrown by this than I was.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Getting back to my roots, remember?" he replied, grinning widely. I was so shocked to see him, I'd stopped paying attention to my surroundings and got body slammed from the left, straight into the ground. I hit the packed dirt with a thud and groaned as some fellow concertgoers promptly helped me up and I brushed myself off. I looked around and saw Edward yelling at and pushing a huge Mohawked guy who looked seriously apologetic. I knew it was an accident, and so did Edward. It's not like we'd never gone to concerts together, he knew I wasn't a dainty priss who needed to stand behind her boyfriend in case someone sweaty touched her. I groaned again, and launched myself through the pit and jumped between Edward and Mohawk.

"I'm so sorry, dude, it's all good," I said to Mohawk, smiling. Then I turned on Edward and my stare hardened. "Are you fucking serious right now?"

"Bella, he hit you like a goddamn linebacker! He's at least five times your size." Edward stubbornly pointed out. I crooked my finger at him to follow me, and began to maneuver through to the back of the crowd so I could hear him better and wouldn't get hit again.

"Edward, what the fuck are you even doing here? Did you know I was coming?" I asked, once we emerged.

"Of course I knew you were coming, you've come for the past ten years. But, um, the lineup this year was amazing, especially because there were so many older bands we used to see together reuniting… I swear I wasn't following you, but I figured if I ran into you, we could, I don't know, maybe, if you wanted to, see some of them together." He seemed to get more nervous as he spoke, and kept looking down at the floor.

"Okay…" I said slowly, trying to process. "But, Jesus, Edward, what's with the theatrics in the pit? You know I can take care of myself."

"I know, Bells, I know. I just… reacted."

"Are you having roid rage?" I asked, dead serious.

Edward guffawed. "Nah, this is all natural, baby," he said, kissing each of his biceps. I couldn't help but smile at his idiocy.

"Bella!" I lifted my head upon hearing my name. I saw Jasper and Emmett coming towards me. I raised my hand in acknowledgement.

"Edward," Jasper stated, as they got closer. Edward nodded. An uncomfortable silence fell over the four of us.

"When's the next set on our list, Bells?" Emmett finally asked, breaking the tension. I squinted at the scrawl on my arm.

"Umm, next is Reel Big Fish at 1:45. We got some time."

"Beer garden?"

"Done!" I said happily, jumping to my feet. Edward stayed seated, staring at his sneakers. "Edward, who are you here with? Where's Tanya?"

He scoffed. "You think Tanya would come to this? I came by myself. I forgot how much I loved music and shows like this, and I just wanted to be in this kind of atmosphere."

"Oh," I said simply. I wasn't sure what else to say. I hadn't expected his response to be so… pure. Even so, I didn't want to feel responsible for him all day just because he showed up, possibly hoping to see me, that part still wasn't clear.

"Go have fun, I'm sure I'll see you at some other sets later. I'll text you," he said, as he stood up as well.

"Okay," I said, as Emmett and Jasper led me away. I allowed myself to be lead in silence, lost in my thoughts. We showed ID and paid for our eight-dollar beers. I stood in the barren, fenced in area of the beer garden and blankly stared at people. I don't know if Emmett and Jasper were talking to each other or just watching me be catatonic and weird. I was jolted out of my own head by a man yelling over a megaphone.

"I THINK THE BEER GARDEN NEEDS SOME COOLING DOWN, BOYS! COVER YOUR BEERS, PEOPLE!" I heard a mechanical groan, and saw a water truck lumbering our way.

"Oh, fuck," I cried, clapping my hand over the mouth of my beer just as they opened the hoses and doused us all. Everyone was screaming and laughing, shaking the water out of their hair. My white tank top was now completely see-through, and my jeans were suctioned to my legs. Great. I lifted my head to see Emmett and Jasper standing stock-still, wide eyed and completely soaked. I started to giggle, and the giggle turned into a full on fit. Thank God for dehydrated drunks. That had snapped me out of my brooding fully.

The day went by in a dirt filled blur. We'd run into Edward a couple of times, once with some weird girl who'd latched onto him. He'd hung out during a set that I was hovering near, on his phone the entire time. I was irritated. Why come to a concert, act like you want to see me, and then stand next to me and text your annoying girlfriend all day? I got even madder when I realized that I sounded to myself like a crazy jealous harpy. I stood, arms folding, sulking for all those reasons, when my phone vibrated. I pulled it out, thankful for the distraction. It was an insanely long text from Edward.

_the energy here is amazing. it's like the vibrations from each note make me feel both young and hopeful, and old and nostalgic. it's like every show i was ever at all rolled into one. i am singing and sweating and chanting in harmony with the most heartbreaking singularity with every other person around me. it's like each note being played is the catalyst for ripping words from my mouth, without conscious thought. just feeling and being. i wish i could capture this feeling and bottle it. this is how i want to feel right before i die. –e_

Startled, I just stared at him, and back at my phone. He put his arm around me and hugged me to him, before walking away. Needless to say, his beautiful words spun and confused me. Later, Emmett, Jasper and I demolished huge burritos and felt nauseas for the next two sets. Emmett won me a key chain by drinking Yoo-Hoo out of my nasty shirt. We kept returning to the beer garden and had a decent buzz going on by the last set of the night.

"Guys, come on, I want to get in there for this!" I yelled as I ran towards the stage. Jasper and Emmett followed closely as I wove through people, mumbling apologies. With a pyrotechnic explosion, the band started, and the crowd _exploded._ I was immediately separated from the guys, but I knew I'd find them. I was giddy with excitement, and jumped around with unbridled glee. Before long, I felt someone jumping next to me, and I turned. It was Edward. He smiled brightly, and grabbed my hand. I let him, and we continued to let the music drive us off the ground and into the air. Eventually, the band slowed it down, thank God. I was way too old to keep dancing like that for too long. I stiffened as the opening chords began.

There were thousands of songs that I related to Edward from our time together, and we'd heard quite a few of them today. I was mostly unfazed. This was a much newer song; one that I'd heard separate from my relationship with Edward, that still made me think of him.

_They say the captain_

_Goes down with the ship_

_So, when the world ends_

_Will God go down with it?_

Next thing I knew, Edward was hugging me. I hugged him back, breathing him in. We swayed a little to the music.

_I've got troubled thoughts_

_And the self-esteem to match_

_What a catch, what a catch_

I could feel Edward pull back to look at me. I followed his lead, waiting for him to say something. He never spoke, but I could hear his gaze as loud as any words. I knew him too well. I watched his eyes flicker to my lips, and my heart soared and crashed all at the same time. _This is all I've wanted for years, do it, do it…_ my brain screamed. He leaned forward and pressed the right side of his face to the left side of mine. Our mouths were centimeters apart. I knew what he was doing. All I would have to do is turn my head slightly to the left and we'd be kissing. _Do it!..._my brain continued to berate me. My heart pounded, I readied myself to turn, and then… I stopped. I turned my head to the right instead, dragging my hands through the hairs on the back of his neck, and hugging him tighter, trying to tell him with my hands and arms what I couldn't say with my lips in any way: _I want you, Edward, but not like this._


End file.
